I thought this year would never comeLearn More
I thought this year would never come... I remember when I agreed to take this plea bargain and come to prison for my crimes, my brain was still pickled from all the meth and alcohol I was ingesting daily, and I remember my mentality was, " who cares how long they give me, I won't be alive for it".
I can't tell you how much of my life I lived with that mentality, partly because I lived fast, I always had guns around and most of the people that I knew did too, and I knew my enemies had them as well! But also because I was depressed,( I didn't know it at the time of course) and suicide was always on the table for me if things got too bad!?? I was too much of a coward to actually do it, but the thought of always having that as a last resort to get me out of situations somehow soothed me and helped me get through tough times!?? Even empowered me, probably gave me some sense of control of myself, when I otherwise felt powerless and out of control! I look back and realize how sick I truly was...I never thought I'd live to be 16, then 18, then 21...and so on, I just couldn't see through the scenarios I would get myself into! The wicked webs we weave...
When I was 13 while spending spring break at my grandparent's house, I awoke to a gunshot.. my grandmother had taken her own life at 6 am...everything obviously got really chaotic and eventually my dad showed up and my uncle showed up drunk and high and started firing guns across the road screaming that my grandpa killed her, and at some point, my dad and I cleaned her blood and brains off of the ground, and at 13 I was put in charge to tell my older sister who had called from a mental institution what had happened... my parents had recently divorced from a volatile and chaotic marriage, my grandma was the closet thing to a mom I'd ever really had, so that was a really traumatic experience, and I believe it's what spawned that "escape route" for me! She was depressed as I found out later and had attempted this before, so she had obviously that same mentality... I know I'm not the only one that had or has that mentality for different reasons I'm sure, we all have our demons! What I would say to anyone struggling with depression...Tell someone, talk about it, don't keep it a secret, because it festers and gets worse! It can swallow you up before you know it!
Mental health is health! and it will make or break you!